Stuck On Repeat: When You Can’t Keep Having The Same Conversation Over and Over...

“You can call me any hour of the day – or night. I’m always around to talk.”

When I was at college in the early 1990’s, this is what my friends and I used to say to each other all the time.

We’d talk for hours and hours about our ‘problems’. Some real. But most only in our own heads.

We were kids in barely adult bodies. Everything was hugely dramatic in our lives. We lived our own soap operas.

But today – three decades later? Unless it’s an emergency – please don’t be calling me!

And most of all I don’t want to have the same conversation again.

And again.

And again.

I want to listen. I want to be helpful. But it’s astonishing how many fully functioning adults are still caught up in their same exhausting patterns and ‘problems’.

It’s Groundhog Day. Different times. Different places.

But the same old conversation

I’ve kept a journal for the last 30 years of my life. It’s something I’ve talked about a few times here on my Substack – an amazing ‘gift’ that has been life changing.

But when I read back my old journals, I do find myself cringing. Because it’s alarming how often we fall into the same thought patterns and circles of behavior. Thirty years later I’m still writing about slipping up on my diet and how I need to work harder at the gym. Or obsessing over my career. Or how I should be writing more.

And I’m sure I can be quite repetitive with friends. I’m at the age where I do sometimes wonder – did I already tell this story – halfway through an anecdote!

But I’d like to think I don’t obsess over my problems. And talk and talk and talk about the same issue without taking any action.

And yet I know so many people who fall into this trap.

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One old friend has spent years talking about her terrible husband and her terrible marriage. And yet a decade later they’re still together. Because clearly, it’s not that bad.

Another friend is forever complaining about her father – who certainly sounds like a piece of work. He’s overly critical and often unpleasant and demanding. And yet every time he needs assistance, my friend rushes to his side, so eager to be the good and dutiful daughter.

I know people with medical issues they talk about constantly but which they never attempt to treat.

Or who talk all the time about how much they hate their jobs. But years later – I’m still not seeing any resumes going out...

Is any of this sounding familiar to you?

Do you have friends and colleagues who can’t stop complaining about the same issues again and again?

Or are you this person?

And if so – are you even interested in taking action?

I recently came across the quote above and wow – it put into words something I’ve felt for a long time now.

It sounds harsh. And I feel bad labeling these compulsive complainers as attention seekers. Some of them are my friends. But at a certain point you realize that consciously – or unconsciously – if you’re fixated on the same problem year after year without taking any action, you’re not really looking for help.

You just want attention.

Back in my college days, I didn’t mind. We were all attention seekers, caught up in our dramas. We’d stay up into the early hours talking nonsense and endlessly dissecting every thought and emotion.

But then you grow up. And you get busy. And you reach a point where you only have so much attention you can give.

I’m at a place in my life where I’m just not interested in having the same conversations over and over.

It’s boring.

It’s a waste of time.

And it also makes me take the person in question less seriously.

When you tell me about your freeloading brother once, I feel bad for you. And the second time. And the third.

But when it’s months – or even years later – and he’s still living in your spare room and not paying a cent in rent? And you haven’t taken any action to fix the situation?

I’m sorry, but I just can’t care anymore.

Why are we still talking about this?

I’ve always been a person who takes action. If something becomes a problem in my life, I try to address it.

Sometimes it takes me a while. I have absolutely wallowed at times. I’ve held grudges for far too long. And avoiding taking action out of my own discomfort with confrontation.

But it doesn’t take much for me to get bored with myself and my own endless ruminating. I’d rather take action and screw up than be caught in an endless loop of negativity and paralysis.

But some people have no intention of taking action. In fact, they have a problem for every solution you can come up with.

For me, I’ve learned two key lessons from these kinds of relationships.

Some people think complaining about their situations is ‘taking action’.

It’s the equivalent of an overweight person thinking a diet soda is really making a difference. Or that tidying your desk is actually ‘working’.

But talking isn’t acting. It literally is just talk.

But the other realization I’ve had over the years is that sometimes people just haven’t hit their rock bottom – and until they do, they’re not in a place to be helped.

The friend who complains how much they hate their job isn’t going to quit until they get into a screaming match with their boss. Or end up taking a medical leave due to work stress.

Until then they’re just going to marinate in their misery and constantly complain without taking action.

And you have to recognize that fact. And accept that there is really nothing you can say or do that’s going to change the situation.

You have to let your friend fall.

It might be just what they need.

Photo by Varun Gaba on Unsplash

And then there is one final twist – which happens to people like me who pride themselves on being good friends and action takers.

Sometimes we end up going out of our own way to help someone who really doesn’t want to help themselves.

I’ve recommended people for jobs that they’ve then never followed up on.

I’ve paid for people’s fitness classes. And courses. And treatments. Only to see them slip straight back into their old behaviors.

I’ve given people all the tools they need and been met with excuses. The time isn’t right. Or they’re too busy. Or they will follow up... one day.

So now I guard my time, efforts and energy more tightly.

I’ll make a suggestion and see if they follow up first before I step up to really help.

You want me to make a workout plan for you? Sure. But why don’t you meet me for a short run... just so I can see how serious you are about getting in shape.

Being a good friend means being a good listener for sure.

But it doesn’t mean you have to live your life on repeat.

And sometimes we could all use a little less conversation…

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